Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Vinyl Craft Tat

I seem to be hooked on seeking out images of butchered vinyl. Like picking at a scab, studying the wannabe artistic endeavours of talentless hobby crafters gives me a grim, masochistic pleasure. After some consideration I've come to the conclusion that, ugly, mundane objects though they undoubtedly are, if these hideous vinyl crafts weren't being made, some delusional numpty would be selling the same scratched-to-buggery records on ebay, in their unmodified state, describing them as 'in excellent condition' - it happens all the time, believe me! Every laughably executed salad bowl is one more terminally ill record taken out of the vinyl gene pool. At the risk of flogging a dead horse, here are a selection of some of the worst examples of vinyl craft tat that I have stumbled across. Helpfully, I've provided captions detailing how the 'artist' describes his creation, just in case it's not immediately clear what the hell you're supposed to do with it.

Cake stand

Fruit & veg holder

Vinyl flowers

Record bowl...

...and a handy serving suggestion!

Flower pot holder

Vinyl wreath - Christmas or funeral? You decide

Scarily, the wreath image comes from a blog that encourages parents to let their children become apprentice craft tat-mongerers. Bad idea. Most kids wouldn't be able to tell you what a vinyl record is for, let alone be capable of assessing whether it is too scratched to play. Put the idea of record modification into their heads and you can kiss goodbye to your cherished vinyl collection, carefully and lovingly amassed over a lifetime. But at least you'll never be short of somewhere to keep your fruit and veg.

In the interests of even-handedness, and to show that for every rule there's an exception, I've found an example of vinyl craft by somebody whose artistic abilities are clearly in a different league to the competition. I love this!

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Judie Tzuke Gets A 'Tache

There always seems to be someone trying to palm off their shoddy, misguided vinyl crafts on us record enthusiasts - usually a 'stunning' fruit bowl fashioned out of a melted Paul Young LP, or a set of 'beautiful' drinks coasters made from the hacked-out centre labels of a bunch of car boot sale finds that the desperate seller, not having the first idea of how to grade or describe records, failed to shift in their un-butchered state. Inevitably, these hobbyists' abominations are aimed at the well-meaning friends and relations of record collectors who, in a misguided attempt to buy the collector in their life a gift they might like, miss the mark by a country mile. I have friends who are cat lovers, but I have never deemed it appropriate on their birthdays to give them gift-wrapped, feline body parts in recognition of their moggy love. Leave our vinyl alone!

That said, I stumbled upon this on ebay today and couldn't help but laugh and, when I'd stopped laughing, I found myself actually wanting to own this item because it is so hilariously shit.

When the creator of this (inevitably 'stunning') clock was choosing a record sleeve to turn into a timepiece, did it not occur to him that the market for blonde, conflagrant, winged rabbits might be so niche as to be virtually non-existent. Judie Tzuke is an attractive woman, whose looks are definitely not enhanced by a Terry Thomas-style moustache, but damn it if I'm not tempted to make a purchase!