Thursday, 19 May 2011

Leotards, Bikini Lines and Stixx Galore

The final item on the lunchtime news today revealed that the Forbes Celebrity 100 List (whatever that might be) is topped this year by Lady Gaga, Oprah Winfrey having been dumped off pole position. This basically means that Lady G. is the most powerful celebrity on the planet. I'm not sure if that means she could beat Hulk Hogan in an arm wrestling competition, but it certainly suggests that if she wants dwarf Cornish-speaking eunuchs to wax her bikini line backstage, then she'll get them in a choice of colours. What is difficult to fathom though is quite how she got herself into this position. Yes, 35 million sheep follow her on Facebook, whilst 10 million more lap up her tweets, but to be honest, with a public persona like hers, if she spends her time doing anything less interesting than white water rafting in the hollowed-out carcass of Susan Boyle, then there is the potential for disappointment on an epic scale. Do you really want to know what the Lady has for breakfast?

If making mediocre music and dressing in ridiculous clothes is all it takes to achieve world domination, then how come Kingpin have to wax their own sacks and cracks?

Hairy Twats (possibly)

I think it's fair to say that Sweden's Kingpin picked up the prevailing Hollywood Glam Metal look and ran with it...and didn't stop running until they got to their sisters' wardrobes. I always thought that Superman looked decidedly NOT super, largely due to the whole pants over the trousers look. I'm not sure it works any better for Kingpin. The rear sleeve doesn't do anything to alter my opinion.


I remember a copy of this album being spun regularly back in the death throes of the 1980s by one of my then flatmates. I distinctly recall conversations about how the band had a Ratt-if-they-had-Steve-Vai-on-guitar sort of a sound, but not once did any of us comment on the fact that 'Stixx Galore' (possibly not his real name) is wearing a pink dayglo leotard over a chain mail-effect pair of tights. God forbid we thought he looked cool! "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there." (L.P.Hartley). 

I suspect that the likelihood of world domination for Kingpin is pretty slim in 2011. Perhaps their best chance of entering Lady Gaga's universe would be to embrace their apparent economy of stature, brush up on their waxing skills and trade the contents of those leotards for a Cornish phrase book.

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